I haven't figured out the mystery yet. But if I had to guess, I'd say that there is something in my evening meds... maybe some combination that makes me feel worn out.

USUALLY, I'm immune to any such side effects. I have amazed many a physician with the amounts of things that I can take and go on about my day as if nothing happened.

Either that, or the stress is beginning to catch up with me. I finally went to bed at 4am this morning, and then slept until 4pm this afternoon. I woke up feeling grouchy, depressed and withdrawn.  That or it's my reaction to also having my own life so disrupted.

For instance: I have plans for tomorrow, and an appointment at 8am on Saturday. Dad dropped a bomb on me that he wanted to do something potentially on both of those days.... now if his girlfriend does al the driving, there isn't a problem... but if he's depending on me to drive, we have to work around that. In addition to my schedule and his "wants".... he has an 2 appointments here at the house tomorrow... the aide that comes to give him a bath at 10:30 and the nurse that will be here at 2pm... that pretty much tears up his friday, unless he wants to make plans for late afternoon/evening.

Saturday is a similar situation. I have an appointment that is 30min from home, at 8am. It will take about an hour there, then a 30min drive home. I should be back and availble to drive him (if needed) at about 10am.

BUT... he didin't even know IF she was available for a date.... and he'd totally forgotten about his stuff going on tomorrow.... He finally did call her and she has her grandchildren on Saturday morning. sooooooo, I'm still unsure of what they are doing, all I know is, that I will not be here to be involved in it.

He's now sitting here, tapping his foot, entirely angry over the whole thing... and there is nothing that I can do about it, except let him stew and fume.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, it's that I do need to get out of the house and and put this out of mind.. to be of any good to anyone.... there has to be a diversion, a breather... and I'm taking it.

It's been a hard year, 2008. We were flooded out of our house twice, once in March, once in June, and I ended up in the hospital at the end of June, mainly due to the stress... we didn't even know about the cancer yet....

It was in June, while we dealing with the flooding, we were put up in a hotel.... I sat in the bed one morning, having a one-sided conversation with a bottle of tranquilizers. No, I didn't take them... but desparately wanted to... just to make all the bad things go away.

All i can say is thank god for my internet friends.... two happened to see me online and both talked me down out of the mess. One told me, from that day forward, to take an hour each day for myself.. leave, lock myself away where no one could get at me, turn off the phone, etc.

I've taken that advice and it's helped greatly.

Yesterday was a difficult day.

It was another day of angry words and frustration on both Dad's and my own parts.

He was in a lot of pain, and I know in those moments of pain and fear, he feels compelled to lash out.

However, I'm a person with feelings too. I finally told him that the had every right to be angry, but he did not have the right to be angry at ME. He did finally apologise.

I gave him more pain medication and he said he was going in to take a nap. While he was out of earshot, I called his girlfriend, to see if he had said anything to her about all this in their earlier phonecall. She was surprised because she said he told her he was feeling fine.

She and I talked for some time, mostly with me sniffling and crying over the futility of the situation. Of course I want my dad healthy and well, but we are long past that. (for those that don't know, he was diagnosed in July 2008 with "non-small cell lung cancer)  This is his 2nd bout with lung cancer.. the first round took 2/3 of his right lung in 1992. This round is up in the apex of the lung, but by the time he first started having discomfort, he had already breached the chest wall and had invaded several ribs and nerves. He has almost continual pain from the shoulder blade, running around his chest to his sternum.

Our biggest "fights" have been over his being grounded from driving. He's a MAN, he wants to go do his manly pursuits...... and I've tried to assure him that I will make myself available as much as possible to do the driving for him... so that he can still have a social life, see friends, cronies from work etc... but i know it's not the same as being able to just up and go on a whim.

ANYWAY, after talking with his girlfriend (she suggested calling the doctor's office and letting them know that his pain levels had increased. They reviewed his file and decided that maybe it was time for Hospice. Even though i knew there was a good chance of that recommendation, I cringed from having that conversation with him.... we are not strangers to the hospice routine. He's lost two wives to cancer and my grandmother past 11mos ago... so i have a good grasp of what they offer. ]

He'd been having an aide come in to help with bathing twice a week, and a physical therapist, and a nurse once a week. I'll be letting them go on Friday, when hospice officially takes over those duties.

But I still had to get ahold of myself and still have the discussion with him about things. He took it better than I thought... and when they came today, they did offer some other pain control options. (we'd already been through the nerve blocks on the 26th. Not much relief..... so she upped his pain patch too 100mcg and increased his oxycodone to 3 every 3 hours.

It was odd... he never complained once of pain while she was here, yet this evening he was in 9/10 pain.

i just hope we can get him comfortable and achieve some quality of life for him.