It's been yet another stressfull day, but then... when aren't my days stressful.

I have a punishment to serve, (if you don't know and would like an explanation, just ask, I'm not shy)

There are a lot of things in my life that have been kept in the closet, and I'm finding that  as I get older, it's not nearly as important to keep them secret, as it is to just live my life as I feel I need to live it.

If iti's any consolation to me or anyone reading, I'm hoping that life will change for the better. Soon. Don't ask me what that is, I'm not yet sure even for me. But if I can finally make the right choices, it will be a life altering experience.

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Dad is once again in the rehab. Although from the sounds of things, he was engineering a "jail break" this afternoon. He wants to come home home in the worst way, and I can't blame him. Nothing there is the way he likes life.... ordered, quiet, predictable.

He just wants to come home and sit in his recliner, with one of the cats, and have me sit in the room with him with my laptop or sewing. Able to run get him him what ever he thinks he wants or needs.

I had hoped that taking him off of the pain patches and gettiing him onto the pain pump (morphine) it would help things... I guess in a way, it has. But only if he's in control of the conversation. If you ask him questions... you can see him trying to process the questions, but he just can't come up with the answers. Every day is an excercise in patience with him. Everyday he's forgotten what I've told him the day before. It's almost as if he has Ahlzheimers, instead of lung cancer.

I want him home. I don't want him to die in a place like that, even though they do their best to take good care of him..... and yet, I'm not ready to to take all that responsibility back again. Having him in rehab has been like respite care for me. And that just makes me feel guilty.

Anyway, I'm going to start trying to blog here again. It helped me in the past, maybe it will help again.