The day had all the earmarks of going as bad as possible. I tried to do all the right things, ACTUALLY got sleep, set the alarm, etc. But I tried to reset the alarm and that's when it went down hill. I fell couldn't make sense out of the buttons on the clock and fell asleep holding it. Had it not been for the phonecall, I'd have been late. As it was, I had no time to waste if I was to get there in time.

Today could only be called an "Intervention".

I'm still processing all the words that flew at me today. On one hand, I see and understand their concern. I know my silence was probably taken mistakenly. It's not that I was not listening, I was. But I also felt that they had determined my fate and therefore nothing I might have had to say would have made any difference.

There were so many points to think about. I guess I'm not done yet, there was already a "talk" planned for Thursday, and now he knows I have a topic to discuss too. I know MA and S are not happy about this meeting, that it might mean putting myself in T's hands again, and they want to avoid that at all costs.

S asked me today, what drove me to this?.... MA already knew the answer.... fear/danger. The badboy image. S got seriously intense with me once we were alone, nearly removing my ponytail.... making me look him in the eye, asking me if I needed to be "afraid". He said if that was what I needed, that he and MA were more than able to provide that in a safe manner... and he proceeded to show me what he meant. To someone watching, they would have never seen anything. The best way to describe it, is like a hypnotist. He truely scared me... the tone of his voice, the change in his touch, and as he said.... that was just a taste of where he could take it..... and then he took it away.

I'm not sure where this "need" came from. S never scared me when he was my Dom. He demanded a lot, but never scared me. D sometimes scared me... he often would write " *smiles* but smile doesn't reach his eyes". And then there were the things he would carry around with him and leave out for me to see..... and I know he did it for effect. I think T gets off on the fear thing... and is more than willing to bring that to the table.

To be honest, I'm having trouble with this...... this intervention. I know MA has toyed with the thought of forcibly removing my collar and I hope he doesn't do that. I KNOW that the collar of a Master, especially a Gorean Master, is of the utmost importance. I know that in a Gorean environment, it identifies the slave. I understand if I don't have MA's collar on when he takes me out, that the one I currently wear is for all intents and purposes..... invisible ....in the Gor world. And that is a bad, bad thing.

There have been bonds of one sort or another with all my Masters... some stronger than others. I never wore D's collar on a daily basis, it was too obvious and would have caused too many questions in my vanilla life. My current one fits into the vanilla life fairly well.

I know that MA has said it's difficult if not impossible to serve 2 Masters. If I could have a wish granted, it would be for us to try this as is. I had a IM marathon with T last night and some of this activity in question was discussed. I feel that we've not yet finished with it, but if iti's any comfort, I did express my concern over the activities.

He also said that he was not giving power to me..that I was merely the vehicle

...to be continued........................