It's been a difficult week, a difficult year............

I've found it hard to write since my dad's passing.

Dad died on April 16. That was a Thursday. The previous Friday he had had an absolutely wonderful day. He'd been up, had tons of company... he'd even gone into the kitchen and made coffee for his visitors. I knew he'd been worn out, but he seemed so happy to see everyone. He fell asleep in his chair and seemed to be resting so peacefully that I hated to wake him. I let him sleep until we were ready to close the house for the night... unfortunately, when I woke him up, he could not walk. I had to get the wheelchair and take him through the house.

He didn't walk walk again after that.

The rest of the days, he was mainly comatose. I called my brother and we quickly got him a ticket for a 3rd trip. He got in late Wednesday night. Surprisingly, dad roused that evening and wanted water and something to eat (he'd not eaten food in a week)... I managed to get about 15cc of his drink into him, and he was awake long enough to know that my brother was here, and then he was out again.

Thursday morning, we checked in on him early 6am... and he sounded awful... he was panting for breath and was doing what hospice called "fish out of water" breathing. I called the duty nurse and she told me what drugs to give to ease his breathing.... No one left, no one went to work.. we just kept watch. He settled down and seemed mor comfortable. We left him to rest and checked back in about every 10 minutes.

My brother checked him at about 1pm and he came and told me that dad was not breathing. I went in and checked and although he was not breathing, he did still have a pulse and heartbeat. My brother wanted to call 911, but I said "no". Dad had already told me his wishes, and I had his living will and health surregacy. Besides, if I felt it would help, I could have done CPR myself.

I told my brother to just sit on the side of the bed and hold Dad's hand, so that he would know we were there. I cradled his head and kept my fingers on his neck until his pulse stopped. It was only a minute or so, and then........he was gone.

The house seems so strange, so empty. Which is odd, since Dad really had not been here much in the last 6mos (mostly he was in the rehabilitation home)... I guess it feels that way because I know he'll never be coming back.

Charlie didn't help in that empty feeling. Almost immediately he began moving things around. Exchanging our furniture for Dad's. I felt almost as if he were erasing dad.

Friends have said that it's Charlie's way of grieving. But it was driving me insane, and as much as it might have been helping him, it was making me worse.

The first month was a nightmare. Although I did all the normal things... called the Funeral Home, had Dad's body picked up... that's where everytihng came to a halt. Due to him having a surviving spouse, (in a Florida nursing home with dementia)... that made cremation difficult. I had to have paperwork from Florida, signed by a doctor, stating the dementia diagnosis. That took time for me to find, due to dad's office being such a mess.

Finally, after waiting a month, Dad was sent for cremation.

Then the depression set in. And the flu. I just stayed in bed for 2wks and puked or cocooned.

Finally, a foot was applied to my behind, and I was told to "get to it".

I've finally started to crawl out of the gloom. Trying to finally put the structure I've been given, to good use. Making it to bed early (can't count the weekend, LOL)

Yes, I'm eating... and trying to pay attention (for the most part) WHAT I'm eating.

It's hard trying to integrate all of this at the same time, and I often feel like I'm juggling.

I skipped breakfast (common)

I ate a ham sandwich with ricotta cheese and grilled tomato pesto, apple slices, grapes and some additional cheese cubes for lunch... and almost a whole quart of water.

For dinner I ate clam chowder, tilapia, corn and a few hash browns... I was watching the carbs.

SEE?   EATING!   FOOD!

I consider this week mostly a success, for me personally...

Sadly, it was a bad one over all. My husband's best friend from work, died on Monday. She'd been ill for a couple of years with stomach cancer and was sent home earlier this year after being told that there was nothing more that they could do for her. I admired her, she was often more mother to my husband than his own... and reminded me a lot of my own mom in her bravrey.

Shirley Harris, you were much loved and will be missed by everyonel that you touched.