Actually, this was NOT the test she took, she took Cupid's slut test.. I don't know what her score was.....

But I found this one and took it.

I tried to answer things with brutal honesty. I admit I'm a little surprised at some of the numbers..... but it was entertaining. LOL

Your result for The Kink Spectrum Analysis Test ...

It seemed like any other day. You call me and usually wake me up.

If you are coming over, I would usually have at least 2hrs to get a shower and whateverever else i need to do, and yet still have a nap.. and you would wake me when you get here.

So, I headed off to my normal schedule, but I know that you expect me to be shaved.... this was going to take some time... and due to my back I decided to sit on the side of the tub to shave. After that, I got in the shower and did everything else, but I did shave again, just to make sure I had gotten as much as i could .

I turned off the water, wrung the excess water out of my hair,and stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel to wrap my hair.

Safety ended and fear filled me at that moment.

I KNEW it was you, yet, you were wrapping the towel not just around my head and hair, but around my face and tied it with something that went across my mouth, acting like a gag. I felt you slap a towel against the rest of my, making a token effort to dry me off, but really, you just shoved me from one room to another and flung me on the bed... soaking wet.

I was still in fear overload... I was disoriented, scared, and i felt you tying up my arms with a belt. Then you tie my legs together. Then the spanking started. It felt like my ass was exploding. I know you said you weren't hitting me that hard... and I know that you have hit me harder when I asked that day last year. But still, you hit me harder than I expected and it was hard to process the pain. Worse, still was you scratching the knife through the welts. i remember screaming into the bed. I couldn't keep quiet, the sound was just expoding out of me as you were hitting me.

I remember being stood up, untied, pushed, pulled, moved around the room, and the towel removed, but re-blindfolded. I lost track of the timing of the events, but know that you put your fingers in my ass. and you fucked me there... and I was trying to relax, but it was hard, I was having difficulty with the position.... I remember you fucked me hard.. I'm still sore now, everything down there is sore, almost like you beat me extensively... I know you hit me on my pussy many times, and on my ass as well... even where my ass meets my legs....

You crawled up on the bed, and pulled me to you and had me get between your legs, and suck you. I was surprised that your cock didn't tast like my ass, LOL... but it just tasted like "me". You hand ahold of my hair and you were making me go faster and faster and I thought you were going to cum in my mouth... instead you pull me back up on top of you.... I'm tring to hold my balance by holding onto the headboard, but you're still working me around to the right position.... you had me raise up and you lurched up into me, and pulled me down at the same time. You let me hold onto the bed with one hand, but guided my other to your nipple, and I knew what you wanted... and so I pinched and pulled. You raised up and bit mine and I yelled out.. it hurt like hell..

I remember you fucking me harder and harder... and I was fucking back... and I remember hearing that sound I love to hear.. you growling when you cum... exploding into me. I remember egging you on... telling you to growl for me... I love it when you growl for me.

You slid me carefully off of you, and bundled me into the covers... and we went to sleep. I know you were up and down a couple of times, and he last time you came back in  you were nearly comletely dressed, but when I reached out for you, and you were hard, you dropped your pants to give me access to you.

I'm not sure what possessed me... but I wanted you back in my ass. I have no explanation for why.. you know i'm scared of it.. but I got up and turned around and put my ass on at the edge of the bed of my own will. and you did try to fuck me in the ass, but the angle was not right.. so you finally got me low enough to enter... and you fucked me hard once again. As I tried to walk to the bathroom, I got to laughing, there was cum running out of me... by the time I'd crossed the room, it had run down to my ankles..... where on earth do you store so much cum???

At some time, you bit me repeatedly on my ass.. not little love nips.. but BITES... I have the bruises to prove them. I can reach back and feel the multiple welts, not just from the spanking, but also from a whipping with one of the belts, and the scratcing from your knife.

But at the end of the day, you've not only marked me, but multile places in my home and my life. So many things now have new meaning, just because you've been here, done something, used something.... It's like everyplace I look, i find something that turns my thoughts back to you. I even found the skateboard with the starwars figures on it the other day... your things in my house.. part of my everyday life. Constant reminders of you and your marking and control of my life.

This makes me very happy

Kisses

Your slave

Master,

Sometimes you light a fuse, and nothing happens. Other times I'm amazed at where it goes.

In fact, there are days that I think all your mental/emotional poking and prodding do me more good than going to the shrink. It's not always immediate... it's that slow-burning fuse, and it makes me look inward to things that I'd tried to bury years ago. Things I don't like to think about, or talk about. I've told you things about me, that I've never told another person in my life.

As so often happens on our days apart, it gets me to thinking. This last thing with Seth............ I didn't look at it the way that you did, just as you didn't see it the way that I did. But, in hindsight, you were right. I don't think he'd try to take me back, but he did intend on having some control, even if there wasn't play. His intent was to have me there everyday, at least part of the day, if not all of the day, every day that I was free. For his part, I think he's just lonely and has too much time on his hands and he wants someone to train... but that opens up a dangerous door, I see that. And I'm glad that you said "no".

I've still not told him that you said "no", but neither have I talked to him about anything since he said this to me. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to say it to him.. I know what you are thinking.... just say no. But I feel that I need to have more of an explanation to him than that. That's just me.

I do want to explain it to you again, please don't be upset that I do. I told you that the shrink wanted me in therapy and I have an issue with that. I thought that Seth would be a good one to talk to, he always has been in the past. But I also didn't want to always be bringing my problems to you. I didn't want to sound like I was forever bitching. On the other hand, if I'm having a problem with something, who better than you to know about it?     The fuse again............

Sitting in the park Friday, was interesting. I had no intention to be that hard on you. But something flipped and each time I heard you gasp, it made me do it again. Harder. I guess it's my version of you liking to watch me squirm.

Are they still sore? LOL

You've pushed me about the anal. I will admit it's better now, but it still scares me. Maybe it's an unfounded fear, but it's there, regardless. It's still something that you'll probably have to push me on. And now you know why, after I told you about what happened all those years ago. What we've said about anal being about control, is true.... and I guess that is the part that DOES make it worth it for me. I know at that moment, more than most, that you have control... I know you always do... LOL, but that makes a distinct impression... much like when you leave your marks on me. But even though the marks are a part of control, for me, they equate security. I know when I leave marked, that I'm YOUR's. I know the collar should tell me that, and it does... but there's something about you physically doing that to me that has a special signifigance.

You kept asking me if there was something special that I wanted to happen, I'm still drawing a blank. It's more a bigger thing, than a specific thing. or maybe it's a smaller thing, I'm not sure. Some of the most startling things you've done, have been little things. The day that I didn't wear the dress, and you drove over near Massachusets, and you parked. You made me keep my hands on my legs, and kept my head pulled back by my hair, and I wasn't allowed to open my eyes. All little small things, yet, were huge in my mind. Maybe they were made bigger because I knew it was done in punishment for my behavior. It brought back that time I went to Huntington and I had to ask for everything. Even though that was a hellish weekend, in a warped way, it was worth it. I think that was the first inkling that there might be some slave in me, LOL

So, after all I've written, I guess my answer to you is that I still want you to take more control of me.

Kisses, Your slave

I know that's the first think you are likely to notice.

I slept a lot today, as I told you earlier, I had no energy to even move today, I just slept.

Ironically, charlie's feeling a lot the same way... although he's not having all the intestinal problems... but we're both sneezing and having trouble with our hearing... all plugged  up. He brought up that we both might "have" something. It makes me wonder if it's the house.....

Anyway, I'm planning on just resting again tomorrow, I have a shrink appointment late in the day and he's planning on taking me...

I miss you, but if I'm truely sick with something, I don't want you to catch it as well... and whatever this is... bug or just my own guts being out of wack, it's not pleasant. I'm still being ultra-careful about what I eat, lots of toast and applesauce. Although I did graduate to a grilled cheese for dinner. So far, no problems.

I know you would have liked for me to have been in bed a lot earlier, but as much as I slept today, that just couldn't happen. i DO feel like I'm getting sleepy now, but I'll hold out for another 30 min and then go lay down after he goes to work. It's getting harder and harder to sleep with him. I slept almost straight through until about 11pm last night, then he came in and deliberatly woke me up... I felt like I should get up and take the meds I'd missed... by that time, I was too awake, and only lasted about 10min in bed before I got jittery and just had to get back up. I think it's just the Restless Legs, but I don't have anything to take for that. And as you know, once it starts, it's hard to ignore.

I'll try discussing that with the shrink and see what he has to say, but I'm not holding my breath. He'll probably refer me back either to my PC or neurologist. The PC won't help and the neurologist ignored my request the last time.... so I just live with it as best as I can.

Well, enough for now. he'll be up soon and it's always better if I"m not online when he comes in here.

Kisses,

Your slave

This will be a two parter.

Even though i've already admitted to the wrongs of today, I want to tell you again, I'm sorry for them.

I know you told me you didn't want to hear any excuses, and at the time I didn't think I was trying to excuse the bad behavior. I thought I was just giving you an honest answer and the information that you wanted to know.

I knew what you wanted, and I felt that circumstances were taken out of my hands with the condition of the house, how i felt, and the construction that slowed me down.

Again this isn't meant as an excuse, but I felt that if the dress couldn't be made ready (ironing) then it was inappropriate to wear it. If I'd had more than one day to prepare it, I might have been able to have made other arrangements to fix the dress. It just didn't occur to me to wear it all wrinkled up... I felt you would have found that unacceptable.

Once that decision was made, I didn't see any point in bringing the hook and scarf, since I'd decided to wear jeans.

I know I was mouthy on the phone when I told you about the change in clothes, in fact, I was defiant about it, i was mad about it, I was scared of what you would say, so I went on the offense.

And then I was late. You got quiet at that point, that should have been the red warning flag, but i was so into my "zone", that I didn't even notice at first.

It wasn't until I got in the truck... that I saw and heard it.... and you were PISSED. ... part of me recognized it, yet I was still in my "zone".  I can't say why I did and said what I did... but you did make it VERY clear to me that it was unacceptable behavior.

I won't forget it.

...and yet, i'm not sure if I should just laugh now. Maybe I was provoking you unconciously... on purpose?

I didn't enjoy the pain... it was NOT fun pain. It was awful pain. I didn't let you see the tears that were in my eyes. Had they been open, I'd have been crying.

...and yet, pain or no pain, it was worth it to have your hands on me. I felt I was in the space I belonged in.

PART TWO

I was having one of "those" nights. Edgy. Irritable. I wanted to scream "don't talk to me!" I wanted to scream at him to just go into the bedroom and watch TV in there... and I had no explanation why I felt this way.

Then I look down and notice.

Your ring is gone.

It's not on my hand

My mind went nuts, trying to mentally backtrack what might have happened.

Yet it's mark is still on my finger... and I can't believe it had been off for very long. I kept trying to slip my hand down in the chair... checked the table, checked the bathroom.

I remembered that i had dug into my purse while driving, several times today.

I had already been sneaking all over the house, checking each possibility, and I had to wait for him to go to bed before I went digging in it again... He'd already seen me look once, and made a comment that I needed a new one. I brushed off his comment and just sat here, angry, and scared that it was lost and I couldn't look for it until he went to bed.... DAMN IT, JUST GO TO BED ALREADY!

Finally he did, and I dumped my purse out on the floor... and there it was, in the change.

I wanted to just sit down and cry, this time in relief.

Your ring is now back on my finger... and I'll resume my habit of checking to make sure it's there, several times a day.

Kisses, Your slave

This week has gone from hellish... to pure HELL.

Four days straight with charlie. Then a short break and then the 3-day holiday... and I've not seen you since last week.

That's not your fault, and I don't mean for it to sound  that way. I just didn't expect all "this" to happen and cause this long break.

I know you'll be leaving for VA before we're able to see each other. Then the next week you'll finally be able to visit with Lauren! YAY!

But it will be a miserable time for me.

I promise, I'll be good, and not bring about any "mushrooming", like the last time we has a separation, I learned my lesson on that one.... I'll just be a good slave and miss my Master.

The UP side to this, I guess... is that being together again will be all the nicer, and make me appreciate it more.

It doesn't look like I'll have any alone time tomorrow to come up, or even phone... even though he's supposed to be off, resting... he's already talking about things to be done, and he's trying to draw me into them.

And then you are off on Friday and that won't work for either of us.

When all this is done, and we're back to normal, maybe you'll get one of those "treats" we started to discuss today... the ones you seem to love so much, LOL... but only if you're a GOOD Master!

*ducks*.

I miss you now, and I'll miss you more before it's over.

Kisses, Your slave.

The confersation we had to day.............................

About you ever getting remarried.....

I once felt that way too. I'd had it with my role in the relationship.

But I was not yet in the lifestyle... and that makes a big difference.

I know you said you'd wait a year or two if this marrienge ended. I can respect that, knowing how the the first marriage went, and how this one is going.

But one thing I want you to remember... they were either concerned with what they could get, or in Jackie's case, she's afraid of what she'd lose.

I'm not like that. My goal is for you to be happy... utmost and foremost. I'm not high maintenance, unless you require me to be.

Believe it or not, I had not bought clothes until the lifestyle. I just wore stuff until it wore out, that's when it got replaced. LOL... all these bad clohthes/shoe habits happened AFTER my entry into the lifestyle... and a considerable weight loss.

LOL... that's why I told you the other day, I'd not bought any more shoes, LOL...AND, I've not bought any more clothes... that's not to say that there are not "new" clothes here with the tags on still in this house, ROFLMAO.

You have a fairly decent idea about my clothes..... so you would know if something new appeared.. and as far as the ones here with tags.. i'll tell you  if you have questions.

I guess what i'm trying to say, is... You've spent a lot of time, molding me to be the slave that you want... and you continue to do so.... yet a bit of jackie's insecurity creeps into my pshyche.... that if you were suddenly free of marital obligations, that I might be left behind.  And I HATE admitting that. It makes me sound needy and clingy.

You know that I care more about you than just a D/s relationship. There's no one that I'd rather be with than you... regardless of what we are doing... just like last week and today.... it's the time we spend together..... and I won't deny that today ended with me being very selfishly happy... but that you aslso went off to work happy and content. And that just makes me smile..... or me, that's what makes our relationship work.

kisses, Your slave

I've been craving sweet stuff lately.

I'm not sure why, usually that happens around that time of the month... and that won't be back until around the 1st of July..... so this is a mystery.

I've eaten candy everyday for a week, and yes, I've eaten more than I was told I could have... I couldn't help myself... not to mention other "sweet" stuff.

Coke-cola has crept back into my life with a vengence.. and I have to contstantly remind myself to either drink water or Izzy soda (no added sugar)... or V8 Fusion.. at least that's healthy.

I'd already eaten  a McDonalds apple pie (guess where dinner was from)... and the reqruired coke... and I'd had a candy bar eiarlier today. (my breakfast)

And now I gave in to the nagging to have Pineapple Upsidedown cake..... although I was not in the mood to "make a cake. I had the little cakes for strawberries (they were wearing little fuzzy gray coats and were icky) but the cakes were good. I decided to just make the topping and put it on the shortcakes..... butter, brown sugar, and pineapple... and some marichinno cherries.... and cooked it down until it was thick and spoonable.

The first bite should have clued me in that it was a bad idea......... Immediate TOOTHACHE!. And still I ate it anyway... it was like an explosion in every tooth.

I KNOW I need to go to the dentist... and some of it might just be minor work.... but there is that thought in the back of my head that part of it might be more... I KNOW there is that molar that had the root canal.... that was never finished.... like for 10yrs. They keep telling me it could crack in piecies... but I can't bring myself to have the temp drilled out or a crown put on....

But now it seems that all of my teeth hurt wihen sugar is involved....even switching to Sensydine... It might help a bit, but not much.... either I'm going to break down and get them fixed... OR, I'm going to give up the sugar....

Neither is appealing.

Just the thought of the dentist sends me into a cold sweat. LOL... Ive even considered going to a children's dentist.... hoping they would take it easy on me.

Sometimies, I'll see a preview for some show on the tube, and be immediately turned off.

Jillian Michael's show was that show tonight... I saw it and vehemently thought "I'm not watching that".

Yet, I left it on. Maybe it was Fate.

The premis was somewhat similar to my own situation. Overweight... house a mess, relationships a mess etc.

The family dynamic was a little differernt... two kids, widowed mother. But the basic issues were still the same. She was in a rut, but physically, medically and emotionally.

I've never watched Jillian Michaels, other than brief promo's for her stuff or shows, and never been interested. ......... She's a BITCH. But it turns out she's also compassionate, and she has the ability to instill change in those lives that she touches.... it's like "life bootcamp'.

I probably got more out of that show, than in all the personal therapy I've ever attended. She made me look at myself, at my health, at my life.

She made me THINK about why I am the way I am. Why I self-destruct and set myself up for failure.

I know I don't have it all figured out after one TV show... but it's a start.

I think I keep things due to loss... I'm afraid of losing more, so I hang on to whatever I have that means something to me... to remind me of better days.

I lost my parents when they moved away, and didn't want me to go with them.

I lost everything I owned with the exception my life and my daughter's.

I lost my mother.

I've now lost my father.

I've lost many personal items due to flood.

In a sense I've lost my daughter.

I've lost my marriage to dysfunction..... and that's the only thing that doesn't really hurt.

I've fought depression with limited results.... and I've retreated into the mess of the house to avoid the rest of "life".

A part of me sees it, and then the depression kicks in and I hear "nanananananana", and nothing gets done, nothing changes, nothing improves.... and then the guilt kicks in.

THIS IS NOT THE PERSON I AM!

I used to be capable, stubborn to succeed, I cared about things.. and now...... nothing, at least about most things.

Honestly, the only thing I really care about is You.... but you know that.... that doesn't mean I don't care about Jen... but Jen is Jen... and is off living her own life, and I really don't have a place in it.

I think the most noticable bad changes happened when I was diagnosed with Pheo..... I saw it as a death sentence, but I still tried to fight that feeling. Now 10yrs have passed, and I've sat and basically waited to die, yet I'm still here... were they wrong? Or am I a miracle?

Either way, I need to take advantage of what time I have left.... short or long.

So, this means that I get off my ass and DO something.

I'm going to take a "chapter" from the show tonight... and start. Even if it's just walking up to the corner and back. I know walking kills my back, but maybe if I do it enough, I'll get past that point... AND I need to document it, so that I can see if I'm making progress or if I'm hitting a wall.

If that doesn't work, then I still don't stop, but I take another direction and I'll ask for some professional help in getting it done. But I'm NOT going to stop. Lord knows there is enough equipment in this house to open a gym.... If it doesn't get used, I've lost twice... wasting my time, and my money.

I also have to get past this mess in the house. It's almost like hoarding..... there are things I won't compromise on, so I'll pack them for safe keeping... but the rest has to go.

I don't know where my future is going, and I'm not counting on anyone to "save" me, but me. Ideally, I'd like to spend my future with YOU (again, you know that).... but we both know that might never happen... or might be a long while off. I know I don't want to stay in this marriage anylonger than is absolutely necessary... and I have to keep that to myself.... and I feel bad about that... like I'm deceiving him, letting him think there is still a future for he and I, but the simple fact is that there is not. I've leaned on him too long... let him take care of me too long, and that has to stop. I have to use this time to my best advantage, and get myself in a position to be able to care for, and support myself. I don't want a free ride, and I don't want to be a burden to anyone.

So, again.... time to get off my ass!

It's a lot to attempt all at once, and will be stressful, so Master, please understand that I'm trying to change things.... and hopefully You will also benefit from my changes.

All this from one hour, one show...

Kisses, Your slave